c’ant make

Yesterday it made a lot of sense, I am a much better writer when there is nothing available to write (no pen and paper, no blog or anything else). I had a lot of ideas how to sell this joke to the reader. It is not even a joke, but yesterday at Rolland’s parent’s place I had to laugh when we talked about the usual geek stuff and he said he would like to use ant for their c++ project at work instead of make. He needed c-ant. Why is it that geeks seem to be amused by such word games and non-sense?

I still want to be a writer it seems though I cannot be one without finding something to write and without reverting to a language I know well enough. I got so used to writing in English, that I cannot quite manage to write my entries in German. Yesterday I was lying in bed thinking about something worth writing which might be better quality than the usual worthless junk I post here all the time. I had a lot of ideas starting with the “can’t make” phrase. There was a nice reflection about geeks and why they are the way they are or wether the way defined the term.

I also had a nice transition to gaming and political things in my mind. It’s not that I have nothing to say it is just hard to say some things or realize they are worth saying at all. Lately I have sometimes just sat there thinking and waiting for a thought which was worth the trouble to form the words and say something. His mother said I looked relaxed. In a way I am relaxed. I don’t feel the immediate pressure from job or anything else. On the other hand I am not relaxed at all it’s one of those ‘cannot quite grasp the words to say what I mean’. I feel pressure to be something more. I am pressuring myself. Now the time is there. The time I waited for all my life. I am on my own, I have passed all tests, there are no more exams waiting for me. I have a job, a live, friends. I have hobbies and yet something in me wants more from life than this.

I keep feeling that I might miss out on a chance. A chance to realize a dream. I am relaxed but I am also – anxious is probably the right word to use here. I have read the story behind the blog of alex. She has done what I have dreamed of for a long time. I am pretty sure I know my lazy self well enough to realize, I will not be able to do the same. At the same time I know that this is not the life I really want. Of course it is comfortable and nice, and even luxurious. But it’s just not it. I keep thinking “there must be more to it”, more than just go to work, do your job, save up money for your vacation and have a baby in a couple of years and then ….?

I keep reading about people who have done it, who have gone where I would like to go All kinds of people. Sometimes it’s adventure I want, but then the wimp in me says “you’ll never make it there”. At other times I just want to write, I want to be back to what has been a dream of mine since I started writing stories about animals in my spare time when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. Whenever I seem content I have to think of a quote by Hermann Hesse which remotely said that ‘happiness is far superior to contentment’ because contentment resembles resignation in a way while happiness must be fought for and will never last long.

Besides reading alex’ story there was something else that made me think why I am writing this blog. I surfed to EatonWeb and there had been two people who rated my blog ‘bad’. Immediately I gave myself a rating of five. Once. I am not that much of a cheater. But it hurt to have the illusion of this being good writing destroyed. There wasn’t even a comment just the bad rating. Of course it is my personal vanity that was hurt there. I have had a bit of positive feedback so far but not enough to overcome my disappointment upon seeing that rating.

In the last few days I have thought a lot about this blog and what I want to write here. So there’ll be some more of these rants probably.

By Yashima

Writer of code and stories